"Modern parenting is making sure your kids say 'please' when they ask Alexa to play something"
"I took my 6yo to softball practice and then realized it was canceled. My 6yo smiled at me, 'Well, look at that, we yelled at each other for nothing.'"
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Best Parenting Tweets
"My wifes upset at me Im going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder"
"What position is it in soccer where my kid tries to find a four leaf clover?"
"Im roasting garlic in the oven. My 13 year old thinks it smells like weed. I can relax now, confident that my youngest child has never smoked weed."
"Not to brag or anything, but I can cause a tantrum just by giving my kid exactly what he asked for."
"Do you think bread crusts are sad that kids hate them?"
"Our cousin lives in Jupiter, Florida so you can imagine my 8yos disappointment once we arrived."
"I got my car stuck in the mud while out with my kids. In related news, I owe $365 to the swear jar."
"My 5 year old son just asked me how I know his name... I'm not in the mood today."
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